Why aren't you a Trump supporter?

I know the difference between “George Bush” and “Jeb Bush”

It’s uncool to lurk around teenage girls’ dressing rooms

I respect women and don’t respect those who don’t

Why do so many autistic adults deal with self-hatred?

I have no sicko desire to control women or have a bizarro hangup with “blood”

When a reporter declines to join me in the rooftops fantasy I don’t go on stage and gyrate to mock his congenital disability

I don’t believe in asking the people of Iowa “how stupid are the people of Iowa”

Why is the Middle East prone to terrorism?

I’ve never tried to pretend the word would means wouldn’t

I have complete contempt for intentional stupidity

I don’t hold serial bankrupters in high regard

What did your sister do to you that you can never forget?

I don’t respect shameless hucksters who try to sell a vitamin where you have to mail in your pee

A real man doesn’t grab women by the p***y

I understand that you can’t just fucking nuke a hurricane

Can you name a female actress who has had bad timing or luck in her film career?

I have complete contempt for traitorism

I understand how hurricane paths work

It’s uncool to set up soft porn pics with your own preteen daughter

What would you change in the "Game of Thrones" storyline if you were one of the writers of the TV series?

If someone works for me, I actually pay them

I don’t believe Nazis, Klan klowns and white supremacists chanting “Jews will not replace us” comprise “very fine people”

I have complete contempt for fakery

Why is digital marketing important?

I know the difference between Sioux City and Sioux Falls and even Sioux Center

I don’t buy bullshit

I have an acute aversion to scumbags

What is love?

I know that sounds DO NOT cause cancer.

I understand historical events enough to know there were no airports in the eighteenth century, that Canada didn’t burn the White House half a century before it existed and that World War Two already happened

I don’t buy made-up stories of “thousands and thousands of people dancing on rooftops”

Why do people see porn pics when they can watch porn videos instead?

I didn’t get out of military service with fucking “bone spurs” that I paid a doctor to write

Fuck that piece of orange shit, fuck his idiocracy, fuck his sexism, fuck his racism, fuck his religionism, fuck his divisionism, fuck his lying, fuck his orange face paint, fuck his worship of Cult of Ignorance, fuck his Cult, fuck his jingoistic horseshit, fuck his manuipulations, fuck his toddler-age WIMPism, fuck his fucked-up values of ME ME ME and did I mention ME, and fuck him personally with a giant razor sharp dildo that’s been preheated to 204.7° F and built to the dimensions of the Washington Monument. Slowly.

I understand that you can’t inject bleach or light

How do you get a girl to like you?

I don’t run and hide from a debate like a fucking WIMP just becuase some moderator asked pointed questions

I don’t hide in my hotel room while everybody else keeps the appointed time and place because my hair might get wet

I know that if I or anyone I know commits a crime we’ll go to the clink

What's your take on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? How has it affected you?

I don’t respect a sleazeball who lies about his height just so he can lie about his weight

I see through liars

I don’t watch or listen to advertising

Why do British people always write "xxx" after their names?

I don’t believe the way to respond to a hurricane is to call a press conference to describe it as “wet from the standpoint of water”, to distribute Play Doh, or to stand at a podium throwing rolls of paper towels as if they were bottles of ketchup

I know there’s no such thing as invisible planes

I know that he didn’t run against “Obamna”

What are your darkest taboo confessions?

I actually pay taxes

I know the difference between “give me your tired, your poor” and “they’re poisoning our blood”

I don’t believe that Saudi Arabia and Russia “will vedoop bedeep uhhhh”

I don’t believe there is a fucking “president of the Virgin Islands”

I have complete contempt for fraudsters, and even less for repeat ones

I don’t cotton to rapists

I don’t call Tim Cook “Tim Apple” and if I do I don’t deny what’s right there on the videotape because I’m too much of a fucking WIMP to handle Reality

I took the same Oath and took it seriously

Those are a few reasons off the top of my head. How ’bout you?

I can count

authoritarians can get down on the floor and bite my ass, yesterday

I know what Nikki Haley’s authority with the National Guard is

I know who the president of Turkey really is

I understand that when you lose an election you step the fuck aside and take it like a man rather than invade the Capitol while your loss is being made official just because you’re a fucking snowflake WIMP

When I go Greenland shopping and Denmark says no I don’t melt down like a fucking WIMP

EVEN FUCKING MIKE PENCE understands that

I understand geography enough to know that Belgium is not a “beautiful city”, that Paris is not in fucking Germany, that India does share a border with China, that that border is peppered with Bhutan and Nepal, not “Button” and “Nipple”, that time zones exist, that “shithole countries” do not, that “England” and “the UK” are not the same thing, that you cannot build a wall in Colorado to keep out New Mexico, and that the Bronx is not and has never been “a very wonderful place in fucking Germany”

I don’t pretend not to know who David Dooky is just because he can deliver votes

I have a reading level above third grade

Let us count the ways. Captain Obvious says:

I can read

I respect other cultures and don’t respect those who don’t